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“That’s when you know you’ve found somebody really special: you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share silence.” ~Pulp Fiction

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Amy Winehouse Morning

I would be lying if I said I wasn't a hot mess before work this morning.

It all started with a hard day at work yesterday. The girls decided to go out for a drink so I, of course, tagged along. Well...needless to say that was one extra long drink since I didn't exit the bar until about...8 hours later (I work third shift so it's 5 o'clock NO WHERE when I'm drinking).

Well, I made it home eventually and got it a refreshing three hours of sleep before peeling my mascara crusted eyes open.

I got dressed sloppily...didn't brush my hair... wore last night's makeup...took some ibuprofen with ice cold water and thought that is always the cure-all (I think this is something drunk's made up)...and headed out the door.

Well about a mile into my commute I knew trouble was a-brewing in my stomach. I got hot, started salivating, knew that I could not function at work like this (don't worry I was very disappointed in myself!), and decided that I needed to puke.

So here's where it gets classy...I pinch my lips shut until I get to a gas station where a serial killer is tending the cash register. I pray on everything holy that the bathroom is clean because I have a thing about sticking my head into HIV infested toilets.

Needless to say God snuck a little karma in my morning.

Not only did it look like a sasquatch bathed itself on the floor, there were literal flies (two to be exact) swooning around the stained toiled, a plastic quarter machine toy on the floor (you know the suction one's you fold and they pop in the air, and an electric air freshener that was empty so it beeped (when I first heard the beep I was sure it was Jeffrey Dahmer's potty cam).

So, after I picked my jaw up off the floor I decided it was now or never. I stood (refused to kneel because I am not immune to Hepatitis) and purged...

After the tears were cried, puke was wiped and nose was blown I still felt like I was drug through a knothole but I thought, "You deserve this you trainwreck."

Well, I am not a quite vomiter so I was sure that the attendant heard the puke-a-thon but I needed mouthwash and gatorade so I meandered around for a solid five minutes buying $15 worth of gas station food and generic mouthwash and left looking like a $2 hooker.

After rinsing my mouth out in the parking lot and spitting on the pavement I made it to work a mere 5 minutes late...and now I feel like I never drank at all.

So, lesson half-way learned.

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